Steph comes to visit

For the weekend of the 18th June Steph got on a train and made the trip to Gosport from Manchester, I felt honoured that she came all that way just to see me and Amber :) Her parents are not to trans-friendly so with her decoy case in hand we arranged for her to borrow some of Amber's things, they weren't a perfect fit as even though Amber is slim Steph is tiny...

We spent the Friday evening raiding Amber's clothes and came up with various tops and trousers and skirts. I had already re-warned Steph that I had had a bad week so planned on doing a lot of chilling (for those who don't know I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder)

Saturday saw us going to the HMS Sultan summer show, its an annual event that has all sorts of things.. it can be a good day out or a boring one depending...I've never had a bad day so always enjoy going. We got there about 12 pm and went straight to the beer tent, a friend of mine was doing a set (Badger is one half of Arcadance and they sing modern stuff and swing the other half) so going up to the bar and ordering cokes and then topping them up with my snuck in Vodka. The weather couldn't make its mind up, I was glad I took along a cardi as it was cloudy and chilly when the sun disappeared. They had two animal displays, one was the usual petting zoo, in which we petted some unwilling donkeys, goats, sheep etc.. and the other was a unusual animals one which had snakes, a tarantula, scorpion, meerkats and some birds of prey. We hung around so that we could have a chance to hold the animals. I was ok with the tarantula until it started to move up my arm... I was then glad to get rid of it. I was gutted I wasn't able to hold the meerkat but as they can be vicious the guy wouldn't let me, so I had to be happy with a stroke and some pictures.





We had a look around the craft stalls, they had some fab home made jewelery one stall only got a fleeting glance as the next stall was olives and very overpowering.. I know Steph managed to buy some fab little items and I enjoyed browsing, wishing I had the money to buy the things I saw. We then had another trip down to the beer tent for Taz's special coke and lunch. We had a look around the funfair bit, managing to win Steph a little Zebra. We also managed to get some RAF lads come over to us for a chat, one of them soon departed ( i think he was trans phobic the weirdo)


We ended up leaving about 5 ish, and by this point I was knackered, we did a lot of walking, I had caught the sun a bit and I hadn't slept well so when we got home we just chilled!

Sundays in my opinion are chillout days.. you don't do anything on a Sunday so I don't think we did much worth reporting!

Monday I needed to go to Fareham so herding Steph on a bus that's where we went... after taking forever to get our butts in gear and getting ready, well we are two girls after all! In Fareham we did some window shopping, trying on shoes in new look and browsing in a few other shops. I didn't need to do much persuading to get Steph into Claire's we spent ages looking at all the jewelery on sale, and as Steph had brought me lunch I brought her some clip on earrings (one day she will be brave and get her ears pierced!)The evening saw us chilling out and playing with my then 4 week old kittens.

Tuesday I felt I spent most of the day on a bus. I had to leave Steph to amuse her self for teh morning as I had therapy.. I was really looking forward to it (not) though I was able to talk about Steph's visit and it went down on my 'positive' list which I was told I had to do as my homework. I then got the bus back home, picked up a Steph as she had an appointment down the salon for an eyebrow wax! this was the first time she had ever had this treatment and I think she was a bit nervous.. Steph was meant to be going home too but after looking at train times we agreed she could stay an extra night so after dragging her bag all the way down town we managed to convince Amber to take it home for us so that we could have a walk through Town. Unsure of what to do and it was extremely hot I said how about going down to the sea front, I was feeling a bit down from therapy and I think Steph realised this. We walked through town, looking at a few bits on sale at the market, and as we were wandering through I bumped into my biological mother (she is one of the causes of my illness) I went into flight or fight mode, I somehow managed to keep my cool and I know that if I was alone things would have been a lot different. Steph and I went into New look as I was on the lookout for a particular pair of shoes that a London friend had seen, they haven't reached this end of the world yet! After looking at more shoes and accessories we left for the seafront. We sat on the wall and faced the sea, the breeze was lovely and I got lost in my thoughts, it wasn't until that I saw my mother again that I realised I was ignoring my guest. However I was able to open up to Steph a little and I felt a lot better. I allowed Steph to eat her lunch while I just sat enjoying the sea. We had planned on going to the beach but by the time we got the bus these two lazy girls decided nah lets just go back home!

Wednesday was time for Steph going home. I think she was a bit low at the prospect as she wouldn't be able to be herself for much longer. So giving Steph the opportunity to play with my shoe collection again I did my usual morning stuff of going on the net etc... and all to soon it was time to get the bus to the train station. I shoved Steph onto a train and made the journey back home. Once I got home and had to do the clean up I started to miss my house guest. It seemed very quiet and far too quickly I got lonely. I was happy to hear that Steph got home safely and I am pleased to say that while she was down for her visit a very good friendship formed.

Since her visit to me Steph has changed her name to Kara, just to confuse people and in just over a week I will be sharing a room with her at Sparkle.. my turn to travel! and I have promised a certain pair of my white sandals will also be making the trip :o)

as usual thanks for reading hugz to all xXx

Holiday in the lakes

I was a little anxious how Amber would feel about me going on holiday without her, though this was just me being my usual stressy self. I was slightly apprehensive about the holiday, I was going away with Louise, someone I had only met once before (we have a mutual friend and have been chatting on Facebook for sometime.) I was also anxious about traveling up to Essex as I would be doing this alone, and for me this would be a massive challenge. The journey itself wasn't that bad, and the underground was a lot easier and calmer than I thought it would be. The worst part was the waiting at Laindon train station for Louise to pick me up. I kept thinking, I must be mad, I'm going away with someone I don't really know. Several ciggies and a panic attack later Louise pulls up in her little focus (apologies if I got that wrong Louise!)Once Louise and I had said hi I felt much better, I was made to feel welcome and lucky for us we appeared to get on straight away, we were about to spend a week together so if we hadn't of it would have been a long week!


I think Louise and I went straight for the banter thing rather than the normal awkward pleasantries... this was a good thing as I had to endure Cricket on the Friday night and sport radio on the drive up to Cumbria, I was so glad I had my earphones as it was starting to be a long drive! I had never been up north before, I knew that it was going to be beautiful but I wasn't prepared to fall in love with the Lakes :) Just being their made me feel so calm and relaxed.

The weather wasn't really on our side, it was quite hot as we drove up which made things a little uncomfy at times. Sunday was very wet, though we were lucky enough to have a visit form Steph, Claire and John who traveled up from somewhere near Manchester, it was lovely to meet them in RL, we had a nice chilled out afternoon, and we all got to enjoy Louise's fabulous cooking.

On Monday the rain finally cleared up and we were able to go for a walk, Louise was surprised at how unfit I was, I was surprised at how quickly I struggled with my breathing! I did my best not to complain though, and Louise looked after me really well, checking my heart rate and making me get back to safe levels before setting back off again. It took us 4 hours to get to somewhere that should of taken about an hour and a half ish! I did my first bit of scrambling, fell down a rock, saw my first good view of the lakes and I did my first fell. Despite the fact that we didn't go up as high and as far as Louise had planned I accomplished a lot and was very proud of me! We got back to the apartment to find that I had the biggest blister known to man!

Tuesday I was under orders not to go out and it rained so we spent the day chilling out and doing girly stuff. Nails etc, Louise had arranged for us to meet up with her cousin and his wife for dinner and despite not doing anything we sill managed to be 40 minutes late for the reservation!

Wednesday I felt like I was up for more walking, I didn't see anything wrong with having a blister, but Louise being the expert she knew best! SO popping a compeed on and an extra pair of socks we left for Grasmere and Easedale tarn. having a limited amount of time on parking meant a short walk, this was cut shorter by us stopping to watch the lambs playing with each other! The walk was a lot easier that Low pike as it was less of a gradient and I found I enjoyed it more because of this. The views were fantastic, we had a laugh as we walked and it wasn't too hot.





Thursday we didnt go into the fells but around Lake Windermere, we saw some roman ruins and spent some time being transfixed by the ducklings playing in the water. We then found a pub and sat on the edge of the lake drinking cider. It was warm when the sun came from behind the clouds, I enjoyed people watching and found sitting on the edge of the lake very relaxing.



Friday was a day for Louise to go out on her own, she said she was happy to stay with me but I know she fancied a long walk that would challenge her. I was also made a cripple by my stupid blister as it had popped and the skin had come off, I had by this point had to bandage it up and just walking barefoot was painful. I was gutted as I wanted to see more of the fells. Though by late morning I was thoroughly bored of being indoors so I grabbed my sketch book, popped some pain killers and had a wander through Ambelside town. I found I wasn't in any pain going up or down hill, just on the flats so I decided to go for a little stroll, I traced the steps we walked on Monday, Friday was quite warm and I wanted to do some sketching so I sat among the sheep and drew the landscape.




Saturday saw us having to pack up, I was totally chilled out and relaxed, we were also up the earliest we had been as we had to leave by 10am. And for a change I cooked the breakfast, letting Louise relax as much as possible knowing that she would have the 6 hour journey back to Essex. We stopped for something to eat at an American diner, the food was nice, but I was bowled over by the milkshake! Louise and
I had already arranged for me to stay at hers on the Saturday night as I would have got back to Gosport Saturday evening and I didn't really fancy 9 hours traveling in one day with the drive and then the trains. When we got back to Essex we were still in holiday mode, so after hauling everything out of the car we cracked open the southern comfort and laughed over our antics.

Sunday I got home and was already missing the lakes and Louise's company. We have already arranged for me to accompany her next year and the plan is to get me fit so I can do Scafell Pike, I am up for the challenge and I hope to continue what I started in the lake district, though I have a feeling that I wont quite get the same feeling walking around Gosport, All I can say is watch this space.....

A fantastic Bank Holiday weekend

As most people are aware last weekend was bank holiday and Amber and I had a fantastic time. Friday Saffy came down for a visit, (Saf is also TG) we decided against a night out and opted for a much cheaper night in. We were all dressed smart casual and as expected I was out dressed by both Amber and Saffy! We borrowed my neighbours wii and along with some alcohol we had a right blast. Spending more time laughing than doing well at 'Just Dance'. Sadly for me the night ended on a low, I had drunk far too much and ended up being sick and then this was followed by a panic attack. Amber was very good to me and helped me through the attack.

The next morning there were three girls feeling a little worse for wear! Amber had to go to work which left me and Saffy to have a good chat and in true girly fashion we managed to have a fab conversation about nothing in particular! Saffy had an appointment down the salon so the two of us braved the rain and went down town. I'm not sure which of us was more tired! I really enjoyed working on Saffy's nails and giving her some bling for Lady Gaga (Saf was going to her concert on Sunday) After her hair and nails Saf had to go home, I was gutted as I always enjoy seeing her and felt that no sooner had she arrived she left!

The rest of Saturday saw Amber and myself nursing the fuzzy's so we did nothing in particular. Sunday Amber and I went to a friends BBQ and once again Amber looked fantastic, I always get a warm fuzzy feeling when I see Amber dressed and being herself. I know that she is the girl I love. I know that regardless of what she wears Amber is Amber but when she makes the effort (it takes time to put on make up and shave etc) to look like a girl and nice she really blows me away :) We had fun at the BBQ, the friends have known Amber for a long time and knew her as 'Bob' first. It was funny to see them struggle with names especially the more they had to drink! The funniest thing was the cycle home at the end of the evening!

Monday Amber and I decided to go for a walk, this however never happened as we ended up snuggling on the sofa and that made me feel the happiest I had felt all weekend. It felt so nice to be a real couple and watch a film snuggle and chat a bit without any interruptions :) Unfortunately the long weekend ended very quickly and it was all over and back to the real world....

The usual ups and downs

Amber is my dream girl and I love her heart and soul, though at the moment I am very superficial and not liking her outer appearance when she is in Bob mode, I really miss her wearing girl clothes and being clean shaven. I can also notice the subtle differences depending on what clothes she is wearing. Amber is much more confidant and she seems to be much more caring when she has her 'Amber' head on. Bob seems to stress non stop with daily life.

This has put me on somewhat of a downer lately, I feel that this has pushed us apart a little bit, this includes intimacy. There are kisses and cuddles, but that seems to be it at the moment. This is very frustrating as we are doing less together, this I then think has not been helped that we have had a lot of company this last week, spending a lot of time with our neighbours.

I feel that there is no point getting cosy on the sofa as the doorbell will ring. I love all of my friends, and would not turn them away. Just some time with my gawjus gal just the two of us doin girl stuff would be nice.

Getting the blame from the best friend

Last night Amber's best friend popped round for coffee, as yet I am unable to decide on my views of Jo, sometime I like her, sometimes not though like a good partner I don't tell either Jo or Amber this. She is free to be friends with who ever she wants. As it happens Jo is also friends with our next door neighbors. After mentioning that I had bumped into a lady at bingo that mentioned in jest that Jo and Sandra (neighbor) were causing trouble, this doesn't surprize me as both are loud girls lol. Jo flies round next door and Sam (our house guest) is also round there comes back a bit later and tells me that Jo has been saying things like 'I've known 'Bob' for 15 years and Taz only 6 months, he should put me first.' I also know that she blames me for 'forcing' Amber to change her name by deed-poll. for the record I didn't it was something that was mentioned one day, the final decision was Amber's. I know that Jo has also blamed me for the fact that Amber has reduced the amount he rings/visits/texts her. But the one thing that really really REALLY annoys me is the way she calls me Taz, Amber's bit of fluff.

I get the impression that she wont be too upset if the two of us went our separate ways, but I have news for her. Amber and I are in a strong loving relationship and the plan is for us to be together forever and a day. :)

On a much lighter note, I am going on holiday with Louise first week of June, I was afraid Amber would be upset as I didn't discuss it with her first, knowing that money is our biggest worry at the moment. I offered to go with Louise as the lake district is one place i have never been and really want to go, she is a friend that I have only met once but I want to get to know better and if I didn't think I would be safe around Louise I wouldn't have said I will be her holiday companion :)

I've done my usual and gone off on a tangent, oops and once again ty for reading :)

hugz xXx

I love my girl :)

I just wanted to write that I love Amber more than anything and often find myself just smiling for no reason. I feel that I am truly blessed to have met her :)

Bank holiday weekend I thought would be a good time to spend quality time with my girl, this didn't quite go to plan. We spent very little time together and Amber only went en femme on Monday as we had an opticians appointment, knowing one of the girls who works in the shop and she said that it would be funny to wind up the optometrist as he is very straight laced. Amber got dressed and I thought WOW, she has a figure that I am jealous of and clean shaven she looks hot. When we got to Fareham I instinctively went to hold Amber's hand and after a few mins she let go and wouldn't hold it again. This hurt me immensely. She later told me she let go because we were getting funny looks from a bunch of kids and she was afraid that they would 'twig' I don't care what any one thinks of us, however it would seem that Amber is ashamed of us when we go out in public when she is dressed. I don't understand it at all as the reactions of others doesn't bother me at all.