Wednesday, 21 April 2010

Life has been pretty un-eventful, I don't see the point in blogging about the same old shit all the time...it would get very boring and I don't like to moan about my life, there are people who are a lot worse off than I am. Today I had a session of counseling, Knowing what I am like I asked Amber to come with me to make sure I got to the appointment, I have a habit of not going, mainly due to the panic attacks. I would have liked her to stay however she had to go to work. I managed to survive the appointment and then I even managed the 5 min cycle from there to work, this sounds like no big deal but when being alone outside is like a nightmare come true this is a big step. I got to work desperate for a hug form Amber, however she was busy so had to be patient, the brave face went on along with makeup and I could 'pretend' all was well. Once Amber had finished all her clients I was able to get my longed for hugz, this made my day and I felt so much better. I know that regardless I am well supported :)

Unfortunately I think I have been leaning on Amber a little too much over the last few days as she has become snappy with me. I know that if I quizzed her about it I would get the normal, 'you over Analise things' and 'I'm worried about..' or 'nope its not a problem babes' this is all well and good but I want her to feel as if she can talk to me about anything.

I am so grateful for any time we get with each other and despite her looking like 'Bob' and the facial hair making a bit of a comeback I feel more comfortable with this side of her. This is thanks to my friends on Angels, as they are helping me to see the Amber within :)

I think that is enough for today!
hugz n kisses
Taz xXx

Friday, 16 April 2010

Back to reality

We came home from Hastings on Monday and it didn't take long to get back to reality. :( Tuesday was back to work and Wednesday saw me unable to go in, one of my friends dragged me to Havant for coffee and this cheered me up no end. Thursday and today have been much better, when I have not had clients I have found things to do and keep me occupied.

My home life has been less cheerful, Amber I feel has been distant and we have not done anything together. Granted I have spent a lot of time on the computer, this has been spent chatting with my friends,old and new. Through the angels site I have found some very good friends and have been chatting to them, giving them support and I have found some support in return. Since we returned home Amber has not shaved once and I dislike facial hair on anybody, on Amber it just looks wrong as when I see any 'Bobisms' I feel that Amber is slipping away from me, I know this is daft but I love Amber and I don't know 'Bob'. Amber hasn't dressed after work this week either, which to me suggests she prefers to be 'Bob' during the week and Amber is only a weekend thing she does. This hurts as I know she wants to be a girlfriend and I want a girlfriend. When amber is dressed as Bob she acts like Bob and Amber tends to sneak in, I would much prefer it the other way around. I need stability in my life at the moment and not having my girl around is hard as even her soft tender kisses don't feel the same either :'(

I try to talk to her about this and she shrugs it off saying that I am nagging her, which I'm not, she knows that I prefer her to be dressed as a girl, I don't expect a full face of makeup or for her to be wearing a wig, boobs and girl clothes are enough for me. I feel very alone in this as I don't really know of many partners who would rather their T-Girl dressed as a woman more than a man. I can handle her being Bob at work as building your own salon is hard for anyone, and a lot of people are not comfortable with the transgender thing, I know that a lot of customers have not returned as soon as they have found out about Amber :( this breaks my heart as it doesn't affect how Amber works, if anything it makes her a better hairdresser as she can be more relaxed.

Another thing that has hurt me is that while out on Saffy's birthday bash we created the 101st trans brigade (see an earlier post) and as a bit of fun I turned this into a Facebook group. Not knowing how my friends would re-act I sent an invite to mostly my trans friends. I also sent an invite to Amber and she has ignored it, saying that she doesn't want to join as she doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that she is trans, I can understand this concept a little bit but refusing to admit it at all on Facebook is weird in my eyes. I know that the trans community like to be incognito, but it was a bit of fun and nothing else. I tried to make the page more fun for everyone and things by posting some weird piccys and when I asked Amber for her opinion she just sort of scoffed and showed no interest, I have now lost heart in it altogether.

I am hoping that the weekend is much more rewarding and fulfilling however I have a lot of clothes to sort out and put away (mostly Amber's too) and I wont be able to settle until our bedroom is tidy.

Wednesday, 14 April 2010

The In-between bits

I realized early this morning that I had explained the beginning and the now, but not the bit in-between. I guess it would make sense to put the middle bit in as no doubt there will be some questions raised, Dont take what I write as being 100% accurate date wise as my memory is poor at things like that! A lot of people say that our relationship moved pretty swiftly, guess in some ways it did. I no longer care about what people think of us as it is my own life and I am old enough to make my own mistakes :)
31st July meet Amber on a hen night, the following weeks see us chatting on Facebook and MSN. We begin to flirt and generally talk nonsense as we realise that we have a lot in common. I feel really low as I know my marriage is on the rocks and Im suffering with my deporession, I open up to Amber about my self harm, depression and the panic attacks.
Mid August, we arrange to meet up with friends for drinks, the friends cant make it and we decide it is too dangerous for us to meet up alone so we cancel it.
15th August 2009 is a mutual friends wedding, we go to the reception with friends and my then hubby, all apart from the ex-hubby have a good time (ex hubby is not a very sociable person)
29 Aug I go oiut with some girlfriends, Amber is not able to attends and I get very drunk and admit that I no longer want to be with the hubby, I tell the girls that I am so unhappy and I want to go see Amber as I know that she will give me a nice hug. I also say that when I go home I am gonna tell hubby that its over, that coupled with being very sick (due to mixing booze and a new med) Sam tells me I'm to stay at hers.
30th Aug I wake up feeling a little subdued, I have no hangover tho I am ashamed of my behavior, I am also covered in bruises and I find that I cant walk properly. my left ankle is swollen as is my right knee. I also have a hair appointment with Amber and we are meant to be going out that night. I go get my hair done, it makes me feel better though I tell 'Bob' (amber appears as 'Bob' for work) that I am nervous about that night. That night we are meat to be going to the pub but I ring amber and say that I am not up to going to the pub so we arrange for me to go round there. I cycle round and stop at the shop and pick up some chocolates for after dinner and some flowers (as Amber says she has never received flowers) and then its to the Chinese for dinner, as Amber is veggie I get a all veggie dinner so we can share, as I know I wont eat very much. We open a bottle of Bacardi and spends the night chatting and drinking, a few hours in I explain how unhappy am and break down in tears. Amber gives me a hug and a little peck on the cheek. I then kiss her back (not sure why I did but I did) I know that I shouldn't do so but I cant help it, I know that hubby will be very unhappy but I don't care, as in my head the marriage died months ago, Im just plodding along as a wife is expected to. We have a good time and then at 3am I have to go home, its not safe to cycle so I call a cab saying I'll get my bike in a couple of days or so. I get home and hubby is waiting up for me, I say I'm going to bed, I dont feel any guilt just annoyance that he waited up for me.
31st Aug, Sunday morning, I wake up and all I can think about is Amber, I know I want to go see her again, I need to go get my bike so I decided to go and see her so I can pick it up. I tell hubby I'm off to get my bike and I'll be back later. as I hobble round to Amber I call her to say I'm on my way, I want to turn around and go home as I have no idea what I'm feeling, turmoil that I am feeling love for someone who is not my hubby, several times I look behind me and see my flat, I have no love left for hubby , I know that I'm deceiving him and for that I'm unhappy, I know that I'm a bad person but I don't know what to do. As I haven't told anyone apart form Amber about how unhappy I am I feel alone, I get to Amber's aiming to get my bike and leave but I get invited in for coffee, 'OK one coffee' I say to myself. That one coffee turns into the rest of the day and eve. We get engrossed in chatter and the TV, I didn't even notice that we had ended up snuggled up on the sofa! At around 10 ish PM I head for home, knowing that I am in for an argument with hubby as to where I have been. I avoid talking about it as I have no idea what to say apart from that I'm having a lot of issues about myself and my new found girl friends are helping me to make sense of the jumble that is in my head.
Early September 09, I decide that I need to do something about me and Ian, I talk to my mate shell and she suggests a break so that I can sort the jumble in my head. I say i know of somewhere I can go stay for a few days, so with out thinking I pack my bag and wait for hubby to come home, I say I'm a mess and that I need some space, I have a cab booked and will be in touch. Earlier that day I had said all this to Amber and she asked 'so when are you coming round' I say this eve. I get to Amber's and have to wait for her to get home from work. The first thing I need is a good hug as I cant actually think straight, I cant believe I told hubby I need space. Amber and I sleep in the same bed but sex is the last thing I can think of and I fall asleep knowing that I am sleeping along side a friend, that night not thinking about my marriage I get the best night sleep i have had in weeks.
All the while I am at Amber's I have the time to think things through, I come to terms that my marriage is over as I feel nothing for hubby, we send each other a few tx's but mainly about the cats. I know I have until Sunday to make a decision, Amber and myself have admitted to each other that we have feelings for each other but know that nothing can come about it until I have made a decision, I also promise that I will not let that influence my choice that I have to make. On the Sunday I keep putting off going home as I know I have still to make the choice about my marriage, deep down I know with a lot of effort I can make it work, I am also very aware that I have only been married a year. I make the long walk home and it feels like it takes me half the time even though I am only dawdling. I get home to a pristine house and some very affectionate cats. I then sit down with hubby so that we can talk. I tell him that Im unhappy and after a few minutes he asks me if I want us to be together. I pause and then say 'No' he then says OK, and goes upstairs, gets some stuff and leaves to stay with his aunt. I wait until downstairs and then once he is gone I sigh feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted. Once he has gone I ring my brother and say I'm going to Amber's as I cont want to be alone. I get to Amber's and tell her the outcome. I then say that I need to ring my parents and tell them. I also have to ring them and wish them a happy anniversary.The date is 6th September 2009. I also then confess to Amber that I love her and I fall into her arms ands give her a proper kiss for the first time.

I have been asked that if Amber wasn't on the scene would I have broken things off with hubby, the answer is yes as I know that the marriage is dead, it was just a matter of when.

More another time as I'm very aware that I am rambling!

Tuesday, 13 April 2010

The rest of the weekend :)

I totally enjoyed the whole of the weekend away, I know at times we got some strange looks, whether because we were two lesbians or because people could see Amber was really a man I dont know, but to be honest I didn't really care and it got to the point where I didnt notice, I was just happy that I was at Ambers side knowing that we love each other dearly :) One thing that amused me was to see Amber playing computer games, it reminded me that despite her being very femme she still likes to blow things up etc... I left her and Tim to it and did what I do best and chat on the internet! We didnt really do much on sunday, I spent most of the day sleeping as having two days on the booze, late nites and early mornings coupled with my new meds left me stupidily tired.

I dont recall mentioning that I have been diagnosed with borderline personaility disorder, I ownt go into too much detail as its a very personal thing and I dont know who is likely to read this, \but it expalins all the things I have been going through in the last few years. I also know that if I didnt have Amber I would have fallen to pieces a few months ago (what about the ex-hubby I hear a few people say) I was on a very slippery downward slope, I knew where I was going to end up and I dont think he could have helped me, he didnt know how and despite being a really nice bloke he was very controlling.

Amber knew not tot take any of my shite and knew how to help me to the point of foircing me just enough to do things, stopping me from staying at home and wallowing :)

Back to this weekend....on sunday I had a low moment, Knowing that I was going to be drinking, I didnt take my saturday eve pills and this hit me on sunday as I felt very low so I did what I do best and hid in bed, snuggled up with pooh bear (yip he came with me) Amber left me to it and come n woke me up at 6pm thinking it was about time I woke up so that I would sleep sunday night!

On monday I was a biut gutted to be going back home, despite bneing desparate for my own bed and to see my babies (cats in case you were wondering) I didint want the weekend to end as I had a whole weekend of Amber and we were quite close, having really good snuggles of a night time and such.

When we got home on Monday it was nice to see that AMber had recieved a letter from the GP with regards tgo the councelling, needing to fill in the paperworkl and sending it back (as of yet she has not done this but I noticed she has been reading the literarture)

THis morning saw the true end of the weekend, having to go to work, this also saw the return of 'Bob' mode, Amber says that regardless ofg the outside she is the same person. However Bob has a different attitude to Amber, mainly in the speech and the way things are said. Does this bother me, mostly it dfoesnt but deepo down it does, I am ashamed of this as I know that I should not be bothered by any aspect of Amber, as all of these small things make up the bigger picture.

Sunday, 11 April 2010

Our first weekend away

On friday we left sunny Gosport for sunny Hastings for a weekend away celebrating Saffy's birthday :) I was not suprised that Amber left the house looking all hot as usual. I was actually quite releived that she didn't to go out as 'Bob' I think the only part that annoyed me was the stuppid prats who gave us funny looks and the fact that I couldnt show her too much affection.

Friday night we had a few voddy's and Amber being the wimp that she is was unable to fend off my wresteling! Saturday saw us meeting up with an old friend of Ambers and the evening was party night :) Saffy gets all upset because she thought we had gone to Brighton without her (though this turnt around when she found out we came down to see her!) It was so nice to finally meet some of the girls I have been speaking to on line for a while now. Aided by wine between us all we managed to form the 101st Special Forces Trans Brigade! I'm not sure if there is a place in there for me, though I think I can stik on a tie and fit in!

I think last night was the best night out todate... going out with girls (forget it go out with T-girls) I have not laughed so much in a long time.

Although I did get pissed off with some of the re-actions of some joe-public funniest bit being the drunk lads who had to walk past us and be a safe distance before hurling the abuse!

I hope the rest of my weekend is just as eventful!!

Wednesday, 7 April 2010

First Docs appt

For a few months I have known that Amber has been battling with her self, unsure how much Amber is apart of her life. After some gentle encouragement Amber agreed to make the docs appointment. Today was the day, and I was a little disappointed that Amber was reluctant to open up to her GP. She said that she found it embarrassing talking to her doc about it, saying that she was unsure how important Amber is to her. I kept trying to get her attention and encourage her to speak about it. Though when she agreed to speak to a counselor I was pleased. I know that today was hard for her and for that I am proud of Amber. I know that speaking to the GP is the first step in however many that lay ahead of us. I also know that I will be there right beside her.

I am also very aware that partners need support and I have started to look into possible avenues of support for partners, these sadly I have found to be few and far between.

I know that our relationship is strong enough to survive what ever lies ahead.

Monday, 5 April 2010

Introducing us

I met Amber on a hen night on 31 July 2009, that night I didnt think I would be writing a blog about us. I knew from the night I met her that Amber was really a man, though like most I assumed that HE liked to dress up as a girl for fun, not knowing how much Amber was apart of his life. Amber fascinated me as I wanted to know how a bloke could naturally look so feminine. I hated that his legs were a lot nicer than mine!!!!

At the end of the night we decided to stay in touch as we had got on so well, and my 'relationship' with Amber begun.......

I have decided to write this blog in hope of helping other partners of T-girls, I know my situation is unlike most, however if I can help just one person then I know that it has all been worth it :)