Steph comes to visit

For the weekend of the 18th June Steph got on a train and made the trip to Gosport from Manchester, I felt honoured that she came all that way just to see me and Amber :) Her parents are not to trans-friendly so with her decoy case in hand we arranged for her to borrow some of Amber's things, they weren't a perfect fit as even though Amber is slim Steph is tiny...

We spent the Friday evening raiding Amber's clothes and came up with various tops and trousers and skirts. I had already re-warned Steph that I had had a bad week so planned on doing a lot of chilling (for those who don't know I suffer with Borderline Personality Disorder)

Saturday saw us going to the HMS Sultan summer show, its an annual event that has all sorts of things.. it can be a good day out or a boring one depending...I've never had a bad day so always enjoy going. We got there about 12 pm and went straight to the beer tent, a friend of mine was doing a set (Badger is one half of Arcadance and they sing modern stuff and swing the other half) so going up to the bar and ordering cokes and then topping them up with my snuck in Vodka. The weather couldn't make its mind up, I was glad I took along a cardi as it was cloudy and chilly when the sun disappeared. They had two animal displays, one was the usual petting zoo, in which we petted some unwilling donkeys, goats, sheep etc.. and the other was a unusual animals one which had snakes, a tarantula, scorpion, meerkats and some birds of prey. We hung around so that we could have a chance to hold the animals. I was ok with the tarantula until it started to move up my arm... I was then glad to get rid of it. I was gutted I wasn't able to hold the meerkat but as they can be vicious the guy wouldn't let me, so I had to be happy with a stroke and some pictures.





We had a look around the craft stalls, they had some fab home made jewelery one stall only got a fleeting glance as the next stall was olives and very overpowering.. I know Steph managed to buy some fab little items and I enjoyed browsing, wishing I had the money to buy the things I saw. We then had another trip down to the beer tent for Taz's special coke and lunch. We had a look around the funfair bit, managing to win Steph a little Zebra. We also managed to get some RAF lads come over to us for a chat, one of them soon departed ( i think he was trans phobic the weirdo)


We ended up leaving about 5 ish, and by this point I was knackered, we did a lot of walking, I had caught the sun a bit and I hadn't slept well so when we got home we just chilled!

Sundays in my opinion are chillout days.. you don't do anything on a Sunday so I don't think we did much worth reporting!

Monday I needed to go to Fareham so herding Steph on a bus that's where we went... after taking forever to get our butts in gear and getting ready, well we are two girls after all! In Fareham we did some window shopping, trying on shoes in new look and browsing in a few other shops. I didn't need to do much persuading to get Steph into Claire's we spent ages looking at all the jewelery on sale, and as Steph had brought me lunch I brought her some clip on earrings (one day she will be brave and get her ears pierced!)The evening saw us chilling out and playing with my then 4 week old kittens.

Tuesday I felt I spent most of the day on a bus. I had to leave Steph to amuse her self for teh morning as I had therapy.. I was really looking forward to it (not) though I was able to talk about Steph's visit and it went down on my 'positive' list which I was told I had to do as my homework. I then got the bus back home, picked up a Steph as she had an appointment down the salon for an eyebrow wax! this was the first time she had ever had this treatment and I think she was a bit nervous.. Steph was meant to be going home too but after looking at train times we agreed she could stay an extra night so after dragging her bag all the way down town we managed to convince Amber to take it home for us so that we could have a walk through Town. Unsure of what to do and it was extremely hot I said how about going down to the sea front, I was feeling a bit down from therapy and I think Steph realised this. We walked through town, looking at a few bits on sale at the market, and as we were wandering through I bumped into my biological mother (she is one of the causes of my illness) I went into flight or fight mode, I somehow managed to keep my cool and I know that if I was alone things would have been a lot different. Steph and I went into New look as I was on the lookout for a particular pair of shoes that a London friend had seen, they haven't reached this end of the world yet! After looking at more shoes and accessories we left for the seafront. We sat on the wall and faced the sea, the breeze was lovely and I got lost in my thoughts, it wasn't until that I saw my mother again that I realised I was ignoring my guest. However I was able to open up to Steph a little and I felt a lot better. I allowed Steph to eat her lunch while I just sat enjoying the sea. We had planned on going to the beach but by the time we got the bus these two lazy girls decided nah lets just go back home!

Wednesday was time for Steph going home. I think she was a bit low at the prospect as she wouldn't be able to be herself for much longer. So giving Steph the opportunity to play with my shoe collection again I did my usual morning stuff of going on the net etc... and all to soon it was time to get the bus to the train station. I shoved Steph onto a train and made the journey back home. Once I got home and had to do the clean up I started to miss my house guest. It seemed very quiet and far too quickly I got lonely. I was happy to hear that Steph got home safely and I am pleased to say that while she was down for her visit a very good friendship formed.

Since her visit to me Steph has changed her name to Kara, just to confuse people and in just over a week I will be sharing a room with her at Sparkle.. my turn to travel! and I have promised a certain pair of my white sandals will also be making the trip :o)

as usual thanks for reading hugz to all xXx

Holiday in the lakes

I was a little anxious how Amber would feel about me going on holiday without her, though this was just me being my usual stressy self. I was slightly apprehensive about the holiday, I was going away with Louise, someone I had only met once before (we have a mutual friend and have been chatting on Facebook for sometime.) I was also anxious about traveling up to Essex as I would be doing this alone, and for me this would be a massive challenge. The journey itself wasn't that bad, and the underground was a lot easier and calmer than I thought it would be. The worst part was the waiting at Laindon train station for Louise to pick me up. I kept thinking, I must be mad, I'm going away with someone I don't really know. Several ciggies and a panic attack later Louise pulls up in her little focus (apologies if I got that wrong Louise!)Once Louise and I had said hi I felt much better, I was made to feel welcome and lucky for us we appeared to get on straight away, we were about to spend a week together so if we hadn't of it would have been a long week!


I think Louise and I went straight for the banter thing rather than the normal awkward pleasantries... this was a good thing as I had to endure Cricket on the Friday night and sport radio on the drive up to Cumbria, I was so glad I had my earphones as it was starting to be a long drive! I had never been up north before, I knew that it was going to be beautiful but I wasn't prepared to fall in love with the Lakes :) Just being their made me feel so calm and relaxed.

The weather wasn't really on our side, it was quite hot as we drove up which made things a little uncomfy at times. Sunday was very wet, though we were lucky enough to have a visit form Steph, Claire and John who traveled up from somewhere near Manchester, it was lovely to meet them in RL, we had a nice chilled out afternoon, and we all got to enjoy Louise's fabulous cooking.

On Monday the rain finally cleared up and we were able to go for a walk, Louise was surprised at how unfit I was, I was surprised at how quickly I struggled with my breathing! I did my best not to complain though, and Louise looked after me really well, checking my heart rate and making me get back to safe levels before setting back off again. It took us 4 hours to get to somewhere that should of taken about an hour and a half ish! I did my first bit of scrambling, fell down a rock, saw my first good view of the lakes and I did my first fell. Despite the fact that we didn't go up as high and as far as Louise had planned I accomplished a lot and was very proud of me! We got back to the apartment to find that I had the biggest blister known to man!

Tuesday I was under orders not to go out and it rained so we spent the day chilling out and doing girly stuff. Nails etc, Louise had arranged for us to meet up with her cousin and his wife for dinner and despite not doing anything we sill managed to be 40 minutes late for the reservation!

Wednesday I felt like I was up for more walking, I didn't see anything wrong with having a blister, but Louise being the expert she knew best! SO popping a compeed on and an extra pair of socks we left for Grasmere and Easedale tarn. having a limited amount of time on parking meant a short walk, this was cut shorter by us stopping to watch the lambs playing with each other! The walk was a lot easier that Low pike as it was less of a gradient and I found I enjoyed it more because of this. The views were fantastic, we had a laugh as we walked and it wasn't too hot.





Thursday we didnt go into the fells but around Lake Windermere, we saw some roman ruins and spent some time being transfixed by the ducklings playing in the water. We then found a pub and sat on the edge of the lake drinking cider. It was warm when the sun came from behind the clouds, I enjoyed people watching and found sitting on the edge of the lake very relaxing.



Friday was a day for Louise to go out on her own, she said she was happy to stay with me but I know she fancied a long walk that would challenge her. I was also made a cripple by my stupid blister as it had popped and the skin had come off, I had by this point had to bandage it up and just walking barefoot was painful. I was gutted as I wanted to see more of the fells. Though by late morning I was thoroughly bored of being indoors so I grabbed my sketch book, popped some pain killers and had a wander through Ambelside town. I found I wasn't in any pain going up or down hill, just on the flats so I decided to go for a little stroll, I traced the steps we walked on Monday, Friday was quite warm and I wanted to do some sketching so I sat among the sheep and drew the landscape.




Saturday saw us having to pack up, I was totally chilled out and relaxed, we were also up the earliest we had been as we had to leave by 10am. And for a change I cooked the breakfast, letting Louise relax as much as possible knowing that she would have the 6 hour journey back to Essex. We stopped for something to eat at an American diner, the food was nice, but I was bowled over by the milkshake! Louise and
I had already arranged for me to stay at hers on the Saturday night as I would have got back to Gosport Saturday evening and I didn't really fancy 9 hours traveling in one day with the drive and then the trains. When we got back to Essex we were still in holiday mode, so after hauling everything out of the car we cracked open the southern comfort and laughed over our antics.

Sunday I got home and was already missing the lakes and Louise's company. We have already arranged for me to accompany her next year and the plan is to get me fit so I can do Scafell Pike, I am up for the challenge and I hope to continue what I started in the lake district, though I have a feeling that I wont quite get the same feeling walking around Gosport, All I can say is watch this space.....

A fantastic Bank Holiday weekend

As most people are aware last weekend was bank holiday and Amber and I had a fantastic time. Friday Saffy came down for a visit, (Saf is also TG) we decided against a night out and opted for a much cheaper night in. We were all dressed smart casual and as expected I was out dressed by both Amber and Saffy! We borrowed my neighbours wii and along with some alcohol we had a right blast. Spending more time laughing than doing well at 'Just Dance'. Sadly for me the night ended on a low, I had drunk far too much and ended up being sick and then this was followed by a panic attack. Amber was very good to me and helped me through the attack.

The next morning there were three girls feeling a little worse for wear! Amber had to go to work which left me and Saffy to have a good chat and in true girly fashion we managed to have a fab conversation about nothing in particular! Saffy had an appointment down the salon so the two of us braved the rain and went down town. I'm not sure which of us was more tired! I really enjoyed working on Saffy's nails and giving her some bling for Lady Gaga (Saf was going to her concert on Sunday) After her hair and nails Saf had to go home, I was gutted as I always enjoy seeing her and felt that no sooner had she arrived she left!

The rest of Saturday saw Amber and myself nursing the fuzzy's so we did nothing in particular. Sunday Amber and I went to a friends BBQ and once again Amber looked fantastic, I always get a warm fuzzy feeling when I see Amber dressed and being herself. I know that she is the girl I love. I know that regardless of what she wears Amber is Amber but when she makes the effort (it takes time to put on make up and shave etc) to look like a girl and nice she really blows me away :) We had fun at the BBQ, the friends have known Amber for a long time and knew her as 'Bob' first. It was funny to see them struggle with names especially the more they had to drink! The funniest thing was the cycle home at the end of the evening!

Monday Amber and I decided to go for a walk, this however never happened as we ended up snuggling on the sofa and that made me feel the happiest I had felt all weekend. It felt so nice to be a real couple and watch a film snuggle and chat a bit without any interruptions :) Unfortunately the long weekend ended very quickly and it was all over and back to the real world....

The usual ups and downs

Amber is my dream girl and I love her heart and soul, though at the moment I am very superficial and not liking her outer appearance when she is in Bob mode, I really miss her wearing girl clothes and being clean shaven. I can also notice the subtle differences depending on what clothes she is wearing. Amber is much more confidant and she seems to be much more caring when she has her 'Amber' head on. Bob seems to stress non stop with daily life.

This has put me on somewhat of a downer lately, I feel that this has pushed us apart a little bit, this includes intimacy. There are kisses and cuddles, but that seems to be it at the moment. This is very frustrating as we are doing less together, this I then think has not been helped that we have had a lot of company this last week, spending a lot of time with our neighbours.

I feel that there is no point getting cosy on the sofa as the doorbell will ring. I love all of my friends, and would not turn them away. Just some time with my gawjus gal just the two of us doin girl stuff would be nice.

Getting the blame from the best friend

Last night Amber's best friend popped round for coffee, as yet I am unable to decide on my views of Jo, sometime I like her, sometimes not though like a good partner I don't tell either Jo or Amber this. She is free to be friends with who ever she wants. As it happens Jo is also friends with our next door neighbors. After mentioning that I had bumped into a lady at bingo that mentioned in jest that Jo and Sandra (neighbor) were causing trouble, this doesn't surprize me as both are loud girls lol. Jo flies round next door and Sam (our house guest) is also round there comes back a bit later and tells me that Jo has been saying things like 'I've known 'Bob' for 15 years and Taz only 6 months, he should put me first.' I also know that she blames me for 'forcing' Amber to change her name by deed-poll. for the record I didn't it was something that was mentioned one day, the final decision was Amber's. I know that Jo has also blamed me for the fact that Amber has reduced the amount he rings/visits/texts her. But the one thing that really really REALLY annoys me is the way she calls me Taz, Amber's bit of fluff.

I get the impression that she wont be too upset if the two of us went our separate ways, but I have news for her. Amber and I are in a strong loving relationship and the plan is for us to be together forever and a day. :)

On a much lighter note, I am going on holiday with Louise first week of June, I was afraid Amber would be upset as I didn't discuss it with her first, knowing that money is our biggest worry at the moment. I offered to go with Louise as the lake district is one place i have never been and really want to go, she is a friend that I have only met once but I want to get to know better and if I didn't think I would be safe around Louise I wouldn't have said I will be her holiday companion :)

I've done my usual and gone off on a tangent, oops and once again ty for reading :)

hugz xXx

I love my girl :)

I just wanted to write that I love Amber more than anything and often find myself just smiling for no reason. I feel that I am truly blessed to have met her :)

Bank holiday weekend I thought would be a good time to spend quality time with my girl, this didn't quite go to plan. We spent very little time together and Amber only went en femme on Monday as we had an opticians appointment, knowing one of the girls who works in the shop and she said that it would be funny to wind up the optometrist as he is very straight laced. Amber got dressed and I thought WOW, she has a figure that I am jealous of and clean shaven she looks hot. When we got to Fareham I instinctively went to hold Amber's hand and after a few mins she let go and wouldn't hold it again. This hurt me immensely. She later told me she let go because we were getting funny looks from a bunch of kids and she was afraid that they would 'twig' I don't care what any one thinks of us, however it would seem that Amber is ashamed of us when we go out in public when she is dressed. I don't understand it at all as the reactions of others doesn't bother me at all.

Life has been pretty un-eventful, I don't see the point in blogging about the same old shit all the time...it would get very boring and I don't like to moan about my life, there are people who are a lot worse off than I am. Today I had a session of counseling, Knowing what I am like I asked Amber to come with me to make sure I got to the appointment, I have a habit of not going, mainly due to the panic attacks. I would have liked her to stay however she had to go to work. I managed to survive the appointment and then I even managed the 5 min cycle from there to work, this sounds like no big deal but when being alone outside is like a nightmare come true this is a big step. I got to work desperate for a hug form Amber, however she was busy so had to be patient, the brave face went on along with makeup and I could 'pretend' all was well. Once Amber had finished all her clients I was able to get my longed for hugz, this made my day and I felt so much better. I know that regardless I am well supported :)

Unfortunately I think I have been leaning on Amber a little too much over the last few days as she has become snappy with me. I know that if I quizzed her about it I would get the normal, 'you over Analise things' and 'I'm worried about..' or 'nope its not a problem babes' this is all well and good but I want her to feel as if she can talk to me about anything.

I am so grateful for any time we get with each other and despite her looking like 'Bob' and the facial hair making a bit of a comeback I feel more comfortable with this side of her. This is thanks to my friends on Angels, as they are helping me to see the Amber within :)

I think that is enough for today!
hugz n kisses
Taz xXx

Back to reality

We came home from Hastings on Monday and it didn't take long to get back to reality. :( Tuesday was back to work and Wednesday saw me unable to go in, one of my friends dragged me to Havant for coffee and this cheered me up no end. Thursday and today have been much better, when I have not had clients I have found things to do and keep me occupied.

My home life has been less cheerful, Amber I feel has been distant and we have not done anything together. Granted I have spent a lot of time on the computer, this has been spent chatting with my friends,old and new. Through the angels site I have found some very good friends and have been chatting to them, giving them support and I have found some support in return. Since we returned home Amber has not shaved once and I dislike facial hair on anybody, on Amber it just looks wrong as when I see any 'Bobisms' I feel that Amber is slipping away from me, I know this is daft but I love Amber and I don't know 'Bob'. Amber hasn't dressed after work this week either, which to me suggests she prefers to be 'Bob' during the week and Amber is only a weekend thing she does. This hurts as I know she wants to be a girlfriend and I want a girlfriend. When amber is dressed as Bob she acts like Bob and Amber tends to sneak in, I would much prefer it the other way around. I need stability in my life at the moment and not having my girl around is hard as even her soft tender kisses don't feel the same either :'(

I try to talk to her about this and she shrugs it off saying that I am nagging her, which I'm not, she knows that I prefer her to be dressed as a girl, I don't expect a full face of makeup or for her to be wearing a wig, boobs and girl clothes are enough for me. I feel very alone in this as I don't really know of many partners who would rather their T-Girl dressed as a woman more than a man. I can handle her being Bob at work as building your own salon is hard for anyone, and a lot of people are not comfortable with the transgender thing, I know that a lot of customers have not returned as soon as they have found out about Amber :( this breaks my heart as it doesn't affect how Amber works, if anything it makes her a better hairdresser as she can be more relaxed.

Another thing that has hurt me is that while out on Saffy's birthday bash we created the 101st trans brigade (see an earlier post) and as a bit of fun I turned this into a Facebook group. Not knowing how my friends would re-act I sent an invite to mostly my trans friends. I also sent an invite to Amber and she has ignored it, saying that she doesn't want to join as she doesn't want to draw attention to the fact that she is trans, I can understand this concept a little bit but refusing to admit it at all on Facebook is weird in my eyes. I know that the trans community like to be incognito, but it was a bit of fun and nothing else. I tried to make the page more fun for everyone and things by posting some weird piccys and when I asked Amber for her opinion she just sort of scoffed and showed no interest, I have now lost heart in it altogether.

I am hoping that the weekend is much more rewarding and fulfilling however I have a lot of clothes to sort out and put away (mostly Amber's too) and I wont be able to settle until our bedroom is tidy.

The In-between bits

I realized early this morning that I had explained the beginning and the now, but not the bit in-between. I guess it would make sense to put the middle bit in as no doubt there will be some questions raised, Dont take what I write as being 100% accurate date wise as my memory is poor at things like that! A lot of people say that our relationship moved pretty swiftly, guess in some ways it did. I no longer care about what people think of us as it is my own life and I am old enough to make my own mistakes :)
31st July meet Amber on a hen night, the following weeks see us chatting on Facebook and MSN. We begin to flirt and generally talk nonsense as we realise that we have a lot in common. I feel really low as I know my marriage is on the rocks and Im suffering with my deporession, I open up to Amber about my self harm, depression and the panic attacks.
Mid August, we arrange to meet up with friends for drinks, the friends cant make it and we decide it is too dangerous for us to meet up alone so we cancel it.
15th August 2009 is a mutual friends wedding, we go to the reception with friends and my then hubby, all apart from the ex-hubby have a good time (ex hubby is not a very sociable person)
29 Aug I go oiut with some girlfriends, Amber is not able to attends and I get very drunk and admit that I no longer want to be with the hubby, I tell the girls that I am so unhappy and I want to go see Amber as I know that she will give me a nice hug. I also say that when I go home I am gonna tell hubby that its over, that coupled with being very sick (due to mixing booze and a new med) Sam tells me I'm to stay at hers.
30th Aug I wake up feeling a little subdued, I have no hangover tho I am ashamed of my behavior, I am also covered in bruises and I find that I cant walk properly. my left ankle is swollen as is my right knee. I also have a hair appointment with Amber and we are meant to be going out that night. I go get my hair done, it makes me feel better though I tell 'Bob' (amber appears as 'Bob' for work) that I am nervous about that night. That night we are meat to be going to the pub but I ring amber and say that I am not up to going to the pub so we arrange for me to go round there. I cycle round and stop at the shop and pick up some chocolates for after dinner and some flowers (as Amber says she has never received flowers) and then its to the Chinese for dinner, as Amber is veggie I get a all veggie dinner so we can share, as I know I wont eat very much. We open a bottle of Bacardi and spends the night chatting and drinking, a few hours in I explain how unhappy am and break down in tears. Amber gives me a hug and a little peck on the cheek. I then kiss her back (not sure why I did but I did) I know that I shouldn't do so but I cant help it, I know that hubby will be very unhappy but I don't care, as in my head the marriage died months ago, Im just plodding along as a wife is expected to. We have a good time and then at 3am I have to go home, its not safe to cycle so I call a cab saying I'll get my bike in a couple of days or so. I get home and hubby is waiting up for me, I say I'm going to bed, I dont feel any guilt just annoyance that he waited up for me.
31st Aug, Sunday morning, I wake up and all I can think about is Amber, I know I want to go see her again, I need to go get my bike so I decided to go and see her so I can pick it up. I tell hubby I'm off to get my bike and I'll be back later. as I hobble round to Amber I call her to say I'm on my way, I want to turn around and go home as I have no idea what I'm feeling, turmoil that I am feeling love for someone who is not my hubby, several times I look behind me and see my flat, I have no love left for hubby , I know that I'm deceiving him and for that I'm unhappy, I know that I'm a bad person but I don't know what to do. As I haven't told anyone apart form Amber about how unhappy I am I feel alone, I get to Amber's aiming to get my bike and leave but I get invited in for coffee, 'OK one coffee' I say to myself. That one coffee turns into the rest of the day and eve. We get engrossed in chatter and the TV, I didn't even notice that we had ended up snuggled up on the sofa! At around 10 ish PM I head for home, knowing that I am in for an argument with hubby as to where I have been. I avoid talking about it as I have no idea what to say apart from that I'm having a lot of issues about myself and my new found girl friends are helping me to make sense of the jumble that is in my head.
Early September 09, I decide that I need to do something about me and Ian, I talk to my mate shell and she suggests a break so that I can sort the jumble in my head. I say i know of somewhere I can go stay for a few days, so with out thinking I pack my bag and wait for hubby to come home, I say I'm a mess and that I need some space, I have a cab booked and will be in touch. Earlier that day I had said all this to Amber and she asked 'so when are you coming round' I say this eve. I get to Amber's and have to wait for her to get home from work. The first thing I need is a good hug as I cant actually think straight, I cant believe I told hubby I need space. Amber and I sleep in the same bed but sex is the last thing I can think of and I fall asleep knowing that I am sleeping along side a friend, that night not thinking about my marriage I get the best night sleep i have had in weeks.
All the while I am at Amber's I have the time to think things through, I come to terms that my marriage is over as I feel nothing for hubby, we send each other a few tx's but mainly about the cats. I know I have until Sunday to make a decision, Amber and myself have admitted to each other that we have feelings for each other but know that nothing can come about it until I have made a decision, I also promise that I will not let that influence my choice that I have to make. On the Sunday I keep putting off going home as I know I have still to make the choice about my marriage, deep down I know with a lot of effort I can make it work, I am also very aware that I have only been married a year. I make the long walk home and it feels like it takes me half the time even though I am only dawdling. I get home to a pristine house and some very affectionate cats. I then sit down with hubby so that we can talk. I tell him that Im unhappy and after a few minutes he asks me if I want us to be together. I pause and then say 'No' he then says OK, and goes upstairs, gets some stuff and leaves to stay with his aunt. I wait until downstairs and then once he is gone I sigh feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted. Once he has gone I ring my brother and say I'm going to Amber's as I cont want to be alone. I get to Amber's and tell her the outcome. I then say that I need to ring my parents and tell them. I also have to ring them and wish them a happy anniversary.The date is 6th September 2009. I also then confess to Amber that I love her and I fall into her arms ands give her a proper kiss for the first time.

I have been asked that if Amber wasn't on the scene would I have broken things off with hubby, the answer is yes as I know that the marriage is dead, it was just a matter of when.

More another time as I'm very aware that I am rambling!

The rest of the weekend :)

I totally enjoyed the whole of the weekend away, I know at times we got some strange looks, whether because we were two lesbians or because people could see Amber was really a man I dont know, but to be honest I didn't really care and it got to the point where I didnt notice, I was just happy that I was at Ambers side knowing that we love each other dearly :) One thing that amused me was to see Amber playing computer games, it reminded me that despite her being very femme she still likes to blow things up etc... I left her and Tim to it and did what I do best and chat on the internet! We didnt really do much on sunday, I spent most of the day sleeping as having two days on the booze, late nites and early mornings coupled with my new meds left me stupidily tired.

I dont recall mentioning that I have been diagnosed with borderline personaility disorder, I ownt go into too much detail as its a very personal thing and I dont know who is likely to read this, \but it expalins all the things I have been going through in the last few years. I also know that if I didnt have Amber I would have fallen to pieces a few months ago (what about the ex-hubby I hear a few people say) I was on a very slippery downward slope, I knew where I was going to end up and I dont think he could have helped me, he didnt know how and despite being a really nice bloke he was very controlling.

Amber knew not tot take any of my shite and knew how to help me to the point of foircing me just enough to do things, stopping me from staying at home and wallowing :)

Back to this weekend....on sunday I had a low moment, Knowing that I was going to be drinking, I didnt take my saturday eve pills and this hit me on sunday as I felt very low so I did what I do best and hid in bed, snuggled up with pooh bear (yip he came with me) Amber left me to it and come n woke me up at 6pm thinking it was about time I woke up so that I would sleep sunday night!

On monday I was a biut gutted to be going back home, despite bneing desparate for my own bed and to see my babies (cats in case you were wondering) I didint want the weekend to end as I had a whole weekend of Amber and we were quite close, having really good snuggles of a night time and such.

When we got home on Monday it was nice to see that AMber had recieved a letter from the GP with regards tgo the councelling, needing to fill in the paperworkl and sending it back (as of yet she has not done this but I noticed she has been reading the literarture)

THis morning saw the true end of the weekend, having to go to work, this also saw the return of 'Bob' mode, Amber says that regardless ofg the outside she is the same person. However Bob has a different attitude to Amber, mainly in the speech and the way things are said. Does this bother me, mostly it dfoesnt but deepo down it does, I am ashamed of this as I know that I should not be bothered by any aspect of Amber, as all of these small things make up the bigger picture.

Our first weekend away

On friday we left sunny Gosport for sunny Hastings for a weekend away celebrating Saffy's birthday :) I was not suprised that Amber left the house looking all hot as usual. I was actually quite releived that she didn't to go out as 'Bob' I think the only part that annoyed me was the stuppid prats who gave us funny looks and the fact that I couldnt show her too much affection.

Friday night we had a few voddy's and Amber being the wimp that she is was unable to fend off my wresteling! Saturday saw us meeting up with an old friend of Ambers and the evening was party night :) Saffy gets all upset because she thought we had gone to Brighton without her (though this turnt around when she found out we came down to see her!) It was so nice to finally meet some of the girls I have been speaking to on line for a while now. Aided by wine between us all we managed to form the 101st Special Forces Trans Brigade! I'm not sure if there is a place in there for me, though I think I can stik on a tie and fit in!

I think last night was the best night out todate... going out with girls (forget it go out with T-girls) I have not laughed so much in a long time.

Although I did get pissed off with some of the re-actions of some joe-public funniest bit being the drunk lads who had to walk past us and be a safe distance before hurling the abuse!

I hope the rest of my weekend is just as eventful!!

First Docs appt

For a few months I have known that Amber has been battling with her self, unsure how much Amber is apart of her life. After some gentle encouragement Amber agreed to make the docs appointment. Today was the day, and I was a little disappointed that Amber was reluctant to open up to her GP. She said that she found it embarrassing talking to her doc about it, saying that she was unsure how important Amber is to her. I kept trying to get her attention and encourage her to speak about it. Though when she agreed to speak to a counselor I was pleased. I know that today was hard for her and for that I am proud of Amber. I know that speaking to the GP is the first step in however many that lay ahead of us. I also know that I will be there right beside her.

I am also very aware that partners need support and I have started to look into possible avenues of support for partners, these sadly I have found to be few and far between.

I know that our relationship is strong enough to survive what ever lies ahead.

Introducing us

I met Amber on a hen night on 31 July 2009, that night I didnt think I would be writing a blog about us. I knew from the night I met her that Amber was really a man, though like most I assumed that HE liked to dress up as a girl for fun, not knowing how much Amber was apart of his life. Amber fascinated me as I wanted to know how a bloke could naturally look so feminine. I hated that his legs were a lot nicer than mine!!!!

At the end of the night we decided to stay in touch as we had got on so well, and my 'relationship' with Amber begun.......

I have decided to write this blog in hope of helping other partners of T-girls, I know my situation is unlike most, however if I can help just one person then I know that it has all been worth it :)