The In-between bits

I realized early this morning that I had explained the beginning and the now, but not the bit in-between. I guess it would make sense to put the middle bit in as no doubt there will be some questions raised, Dont take what I write as being 100% accurate date wise as my memory is poor at things like that! A lot of people say that our relationship moved pretty swiftly, guess in some ways it did. I no longer care about what people think of us as it is my own life and I am old enough to make my own mistakes :)
31st July meet Amber on a hen night, the following weeks see us chatting on Facebook and MSN. We begin to flirt and generally talk nonsense as we realise that we have a lot in common. I feel really low as I know my marriage is on the rocks and Im suffering with my deporession, I open up to Amber about my self harm, depression and the panic attacks.
Mid August, we arrange to meet up with friends for drinks, the friends cant make it and we decide it is too dangerous for us to meet up alone so we cancel it.
15th August 2009 is a mutual friends wedding, we go to the reception with friends and my then hubby, all apart from the ex-hubby have a good time (ex hubby is not a very sociable person)
29 Aug I go oiut with some girlfriends, Amber is not able to attends and I get very drunk and admit that I no longer want to be with the hubby, I tell the girls that I am so unhappy and I want to go see Amber as I know that she will give me a nice hug. I also say that when I go home I am gonna tell hubby that its over, that coupled with being very sick (due to mixing booze and a new med) Sam tells me I'm to stay at hers.
30th Aug I wake up feeling a little subdued, I have no hangover tho I am ashamed of my behavior, I am also covered in bruises and I find that I cant walk properly. my left ankle is swollen as is my right knee. I also have a hair appointment with Amber and we are meant to be going out that night. I go get my hair done, it makes me feel better though I tell 'Bob' (amber appears as 'Bob' for work) that I am nervous about that night. That night we are meat to be going to the pub but I ring amber and say that I am not up to going to the pub so we arrange for me to go round there. I cycle round and stop at the shop and pick up some chocolates for after dinner and some flowers (as Amber says she has never received flowers) and then its to the Chinese for dinner, as Amber is veggie I get a all veggie dinner so we can share, as I know I wont eat very much. We open a bottle of Bacardi and spends the night chatting and drinking, a few hours in I explain how unhappy am and break down in tears. Amber gives me a hug and a little peck on the cheek. I then kiss her back (not sure why I did but I did) I know that I shouldn't do so but I cant help it, I know that hubby will be very unhappy but I don't care, as in my head the marriage died months ago, Im just plodding along as a wife is expected to. We have a good time and then at 3am I have to go home, its not safe to cycle so I call a cab saying I'll get my bike in a couple of days or so. I get home and hubby is waiting up for me, I say I'm going to bed, I dont feel any guilt just annoyance that he waited up for me.
31st Aug, Sunday morning, I wake up and all I can think about is Amber, I know I want to go see her again, I need to go get my bike so I decided to go and see her so I can pick it up. I tell hubby I'm off to get my bike and I'll be back later. as I hobble round to Amber I call her to say I'm on my way, I want to turn around and go home as I have no idea what I'm feeling, turmoil that I am feeling love for someone who is not my hubby, several times I look behind me and see my flat, I have no love left for hubby , I know that I'm deceiving him and for that I'm unhappy, I know that I'm a bad person but I don't know what to do. As I haven't told anyone apart form Amber about how unhappy I am I feel alone, I get to Amber's aiming to get my bike and leave but I get invited in for coffee, 'OK one coffee' I say to myself. That one coffee turns into the rest of the day and eve. We get engrossed in chatter and the TV, I didn't even notice that we had ended up snuggled up on the sofa! At around 10 ish PM I head for home, knowing that I am in for an argument with hubby as to where I have been. I avoid talking about it as I have no idea what to say apart from that I'm having a lot of issues about myself and my new found girl friends are helping me to make sense of the jumble that is in my head.
Early September 09, I decide that I need to do something about me and Ian, I talk to my mate shell and she suggests a break so that I can sort the jumble in my head. I say i know of somewhere I can go stay for a few days, so with out thinking I pack my bag and wait for hubby to come home, I say I'm a mess and that I need some space, I have a cab booked and will be in touch. Earlier that day I had said all this to Amber and she asked 'so when are you coming round' I say this eve. I get to Amber's and have to wait for her to get home from work. The first thing I need is a good hug as I cant actually think straight, I cant believe I told hubby I need space. Amber and I sleep in the same bed but sex is the last thing I can think of and I fall asleep knowing that I am sleeping along side a friend, that night not thinking about my marriage I get the best night sleep i have had in weeks.
All the while I am at Amber's I have the time to think things through, I come to terms that my marriage is over as I feel nothing for hubby, we send each other a few tx's but mainly about the cats. I know I have until Sunday to make a decision, Amber and myself have admitted to each other that we have feelings for each other but know that nothing can come about it until I have made a decision, I also promise that I will not let that influence my choice that I have to make. On the Sunday I keep putting off going home as I know I have still to make the choice about my marriage, deep down I know with a lot of effort I can make it work, I am also very aware that I have only been married a year. I make the long walk home and it feels like it takes me half the time even though I am only dawdling. I get home to a pristine house and some very affectionate cats. I then sit down with hubby so that we can talk. I tell him that Im unhappy and after a few minutes he asks me if I want us to be together. I pause and then say 'No' he then says OK, and goes upstairs, gets some stuff and leaves to stay with his aunt. I wait until downstairs and then once he is gone I sigh feeling as if a huge weight has been lifted. Once he has gone I ring my brother and say I'm going to Amber's as I cont want to be alone. I get to Amber's and tell her the outcome. I then say that I need to ring my parents and tell them. I also have to ring them and wish them a happy anniversary.The date is 6th September 2009. I also then confess to Amber that I love her and I fall into her arms ands give her a proper kiss for the first time.

I have been asked that if Amber wasn't on the scene would I have broken things off with hubby, the answer is yes as I know that the marriage is dead, it was just a matter of when.

More another time as I'm very aware that I am rambling!